A realistic view of your sexuality goes beyond the physical and includes how
you think and feel about yourself and your partner(s). Sexuality is mostly about
our beliefs and feelings.
How we express ourselves sexually is based on these beliefs and attitudes.
Because of this, it is important for you to be aware of what it is you believe
about yourself and others as sexual beings. This will help you to make a
conscious decision about whether or not your actions are allowing you to take
good care of yourself.
Making our own Rules
The media, church and family all give
messages about what and how we should be. Sometimes these beliefs fit for us and
sometimes they don't. If we accept only others' definitions of what it means to
be sexual, we lose the chance to define our own sexuality and take care of what
we know is good for us.
Paying Attention to our Feelings
Knowing ourselves and being able
to identify our own feelings are important steps in being committed to self
care. Feelings are not good or bad....they just are. Once we acknowledge our
feelings, then we can choose how we would like to act on them, or even whether
or not we want to do anything. The most comfortable and least stressful way to
be sexual is to set our own rules and boundaries based on these feelings.
Everyone has the right and responsibility to say no or yes to any type of
intimate or sexual involvement.
Acting Responsibly
Sexuality is a health issue, so taking care of
yourself and being a responsible partner are important. Learn all you can about
birth control, HIV and AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Practice safer
sex. Become acquainted with your body and discover your likes and dislikes. The
more you know, the better you will take care of yourself, both physically and
emotionally.
Talking is Important
If we know ourselves, we can tell our
partners what we like and dislike.
Talk to your partner about your sexual wants and needs. Be clear about what
scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable.
Negotiate the "how's, where's and when's" of sexual activities by being open
and honest. Try not to judge each other, but if differences between you exist,
decide for yourself if they are things you can accept.
Be responsible to, not for your partner. Listen to truly hear what your
partner is telling you, remembering that you can choose to accept, reject, or
attempt to compromise on what may be asked for.
Remember that most of us are not mind readers and so we have to tell each
other what we need or want. If we are in a relationship where we can trust each
other, it's OK to be vulnerable and open about our feelings.
Affirming Ourselves
You have the right to feel good about your
body and yourself. Search out ways to replace negative messages about your
sexuality with positive ones. Talk to supportive friends, get a book, be gentle
with yourself.
What Makes an Intimate Relationship?
Intimacy means different
things to different people. You probably know what it takes for you to be happy
and healthy. There are some things that may or may not be important to you in
evaluating your relationships:
- Do I feel safe? If anything makes me feel unsafe, can we talk about it?
- Is there affection between us?
- Can I count on my partner(s) to be supportive of things that are important
to me?
- Do we practice safer sex?
- Am I willing to be vulnerable and sincere with my partner(s)?
- Can I say yes or no to my partner's requests?
- Are we comfortable talking about sex?
- Do we feel committed to each other?
Adapted from: The Healing Way by Kristin A. Kunzman
Produced by the Women's Health Care Centre.
Reviewed January 2003.